Failure At Being Human
by daisyrichards5
Summary: This story is about a teenage girl named Penelope Iris who is put into a mental home due to her troubled life style. She learns things about life that shes never came to realize until know. Penelope met a friend but due to lack of communication looses the relationship and realizes just how lonely she is. One day Penelope/Penny met a boy who will change her life as she knows it.


In the beginning of January, not long after new years I was rushed to the mental hospital after I relapsed from my "troubled teenager" lifestyle as they quote it. In other words I was involved with the wrong people and I was making the wrong choices. Maybe I was sent back to the mental hospital for far worse reasons than just messing up like everyone else. But now, I don't even remember whats been going on the past year other than drugs, parties, and failing chemistry. But I do vaguely remember being in a terrible state of depression and laying in the bathtub that was filled with bloody water and a body covered with self-inflicted wounds that appeared to be almost lifeless but still had a small glimpse of hope. Okay, I lied. I remember most of it. I remember the little details of what lead to my failure of suicide. How I've failed at more than just school, I've failed at making friends, communicating with people, going out for all the right reasons, I've failed at life, at being human.

I wake up at 6:00 am: I lie awake in a small and uncomfortable bed, underneath the light blue covers. My neck feels so stiff from sleeping on one pillow. I requested for two, hoping it would help. But I can only have two with doctors orders. The pain medication doesn't seem to be helping either. I'm still depressed and tired from the insomnia.  
I listen to my roommate talk absolute nonsense in her sleep, somehow, it's entertaining. It's like watching an action packed film, you don't know what you will hear but you know it'll be something you most likely wont expect to hear unless you've heard the same thing over and over again (in that case you might be able to predict or at least have a good guess of what you may be hearing for awhile). While she talks, screams, and mumbles I try to think back before the incident. I remember had a dream a few nights before the attempt, I tend to forget dreams even exist since I usually fail to remember or even recall having them, But this one was different, scarring in a way, and I still remember this dream as if it was a reoccurring flashback of which I remembered even though I've tried hard to forget about. I remember being in the woods that was behind my house. They were the woods that held and still hold many of my childhood memories. I was walking around with a stick for "hiking" purposes, which was pretty useless since the woods were leveled for the most part. But I was searching for my brother who was hiding for some unknown reason. I heard him yelling but the odd thing was, He is six and I'm fourteen and things seemed to eerie which the woods only appeared enchanting from my remembrance. I walked further throughout the woods and as I stepped behind the big Oak Tree, I was grabbed forcefully and my mouth was covered. The worst part was this dream seemed like I resembled the time of which I was raped by my uncle a few years ago. No one knows about my sexual abuse I encountered, They probably never will. I remember waking up out of breath cold yet sweaty and very frightened. But not once have I had that dream ever since. I hope to never live that dream again either.

My alarm goes off, it's 7:00 am. It's time for morning checks. A tech bangs on my door just to inform me that I have to be up for breakfast in thirty minutes. I mumbled okay and try to go to sleep, it's not like I need to eat breakfast anyways. When the clock shows 7:20 I get up and brush my teeth and hair. I slip on an over-sized sweatshirt and I walk down the hall along with the others like me. We all drag ourselves for breakfast. I sit near a girl with bandaged wrists. She looks at me and I look back. Seems to me that this is how people around here communicate, by exchanging looks instead of words. She keeps her eyes on me and then she says, "Hey, I'm Charlotte." in a soft,meek, and frightened voice,"I'm thirteen, I was admitted a month ago." I look at her but not with sympathy. Sympathy, I know how it feels to be cared about because they look bad if they don't care. I'd rather not have to have more people pretend to care and show their "sympathy" which lacks to have its intended meaning, I'm sure she's sick of it too. Instead I look at her like calmly. I understand her but I will not feel sorry for her as I know many people are and the repetitive words and reactions often get old and lose their meaning and effect of which a person hopes to reach or accomplish when showing their "sympathy". I shall not push away the only friend I may ever make by being like the inconsiderate people who pretend they know everything about everyone. I clear my throat quiet then say,"I'm Penelope Iris, Penny for short. I'm fourteen and a failure at being a normal human," We both laugh quietly," But in reality, I fail at being what society expects of me." Charlotte nods while looks down, she understands. We both get food that's served to us and eat while exchanges looks back and forth since there's not much more to say.

It's 8:30 am. I walk back to my room and bring Charlotte along. She seemed bored and I need a friend for once. I thought it'd be nice getting to know someone. We open the door and walk inside. I turn towards her and say sarcastically,"Welcome to my home sweet home which has everything I could ever wish for!" She lets out a giggle as I stand with my arms out wide with a goofy smile which is plastered on my face. I sit on my bed and use the "come sit down" hand motion towards Charlotte. She sits down next to me and we stare at my still sleeping roommate. We make jokes about her random words she'll mutter and the drool that comes out of her mouth like a flowing river, gross but funny. I tell her a lot about me like where I'm from, past experiences, family problems, loneliness, being a victim of bullying abuse. We talked about what normal kids did. Except for the fact that we weren't normal, We were suicidal kids who had no clue about how hard life can and will be. We just didn't want to experience it, or we just had enough of it I guess. I lay down while Charlotte sits still on my bed. She whispers something yet I can't comprehend what shes saying. I blink and she's gone. She probably ran out, she probably has a disorder or something that I don't know about. I just roll over and face the blank white wall and close my eyes. I think of the past, before things felt like hell. I begin to drift to sleep to the sounds of mumbled words that seem like a foreign language that didn't even exist.

I wake up to an empty room. My roommates gone and it's just me, alone. I walk out of my room into the hallway. As I take the first turn to the left I see a boy, A beautiful boy. I know you shouldn't call a boy beautiful. But the thing is, he was. He flashed a smile at me. He must've seen me staring or I could've just looked funny or maybe he just thought I was beautiful. He walks over and I can't help but begin to blush while my heart races. He stands right in front of me maybe just five inches away from my face.  
"Hey, my names James Knox." He let out a hand but it was a bit awkward since we were so close. But I shake his hand anyways. I say in a shy manner,"My names uh." I froze... literally. He chuckles, "Well what an unusual and common phrase of a name, Uh." I look at him and slowly my open stunned mouth forms into a smile. "Thats not my name." I laughed silently while looking at his chest since it was leveled with my face. "It's uhm, It's Penny. Well Penelope Iris. But you can call me Penny. Or whatever. If you want. You can call me Mrs. Knox." That was too far. I just meet him. "I'm sorry. Thats awkward.. It's just you're so handsome and I'm very awkward with social anxiety and such." He smiled. "Ha, It's cool. I totally understand. It's what we suicidal children thrive off of. Awkwardness and outcasting. Right?" he's wrong. Some thrive off of life and the negativity that is within instead of the positivity. Some of us thrive off of pain.. But I've never heard of someone thriving off of awkwardness and outcasting themselves.. Maybe others but not themselves.. But I could be wrong as I can only speak from my perspective as I'm not nearly as sociable to understand the perspective of others. I nod anyways, He could be right for all I know."I'm so glad you understand. Most people are thrown off when I state that." The thing is, I didn't understand. I'm not different from others other than my "issues". But I cannot let him know I don't understand what he's stating since he seems to be taking a liking to my interest and ability to comprehend and interpret his thoughts the same way he does, "Hey, Maybe you'd want to stop by my room and hangout.." He nods his head,"Well Penelope, I would absolutely love to." And so we did, We walked together to my room. With his hand intertwined with mine. We sat on my bed and look at each other. We gazed into each others eyes and let our eyes speak for us and within only a matter of seconds, he kissed me. The world as I knew it changed right after that small but meaningful moment.

That day was the day I knew there was something in life that I knew I wanted to experience before I was dead and decaying. I wanted to experience love from someone who didn't feel like they were expected to love, care, or even have an interested about me. Thats what I felt like I was receiving for once. I liked it, I truly did. Every day after that day I would hangout with James Knox. I'd always call him Jamesy while he just called me Pen. He said that Penny was common and Penelope was a name that everyone knew me by. He wanted to give me a special name because I was a special person in his mind. I didn't mind that he was fascinated with me although I didn't know why. James was perfect, I could've been wrong. Everyone has their flaws. But he, he had must've had flaws that I had overlooked or saw as small details which made him and he was perfect therefore those small details were perfectly imperfect as he was himself. I was in love with far more than his charisma and his handsome face and body. I was in love with his soul, his way with words, his voice, his thoughts, his caring ways, his little details, his laugh, his presence, himself. The only problem was he was bound to leave at one point, As was I. As I sat on my bed staring at the door James walked in and smiled at me. I smiled back and he picked up my hand and kissed it. He was smart to not kiss me in public because that would be breaking the rules. Although the mental hospital had much more to worry about. He told me he'd be leaving soon and I congratulated him while trying to hide my sadness as I knew I'd be lonely. I had Charlotte but I haven't seen her in a while. I guess he could see the sadness in my eyes since he lifted up my chin slightly with his hand and kissed me. Even then I still couldn't manage to fake a smile which was very unusual. My whole life was based of failure of being a human and faking emotions and statements. We kissed again, and again, and then things heated up. I'll spare you the detail and just say it wasn't painful or awkward like most people say. It was romantic and a bondage that only brought us closer emotional and physically. After our hangout session that day reached an end. He wrote down his number just so I could call him when I got out. We both were in Missouri and he only lived an hour away so it wouldn't be hard to meet up with him. I was excited to get out and even more excited to get out with him.

One month later after being a complete loner finding out my only friend Charlotte had left without saying goodbye was gone, I was out of the mental hospital and I was becoming a new person with somewhat of a new outlook of life and the possibilities and experiences they behold. I wanted to experience them. But not alone. No, I didn't want to do anything alone. I wanted to spend them with James Knox and explore life with him, bonding with him, and becoming more of a person than I already am with him by my side. In life anything can and will happen without you being able to have a say or a chance to prevent what will lie ahead, you can choose who will be with you when those days come but you cannot choose how long they will be there. Life is all about choices that you can and cannot make. While society is about interpretations. People are a mixture of life and society meaning we make choices and avoid making choices based upon our interpretations. Funny how life, society, and humans work together to form one. I enjoy being home and laying in a comfortable bed and not waking up to rude people who just are complete assholes who don't have any clue what it is like to be an individual who experience feeling like they've hit beyond rock bottom in their life and they just want it to end. No one understands. Unless you are that person of course. I take out that piece of paper and call James, He answers. "Hello, it's James." He sounds calm yet very bored. I reply,"Hey, Uh.", "Oh, It's Pen! How are you doing my gorgeous love?" He sounded to ecstatic I couldn't help but be beyond flattered. "I'm lovely darling, how'd you know it was me? Oh, nevermind I said uh. Didn't I." He chuckles,"I believe so darling, How about we hangout sometime?" I nodded then soon realize he couldn't see me so I calmly said,"Uhm, sure. Whenever works for me." "That sounds lovely my love." I loved his voice. I loved seeing him and hearing his voice all at once though. I could'nt wait to see him let alone be with him outside of a mental hospital which isn't as bad as some people make it out to be. I hung up the phone and lied down. Then the shots when off. I went numb for a second and rolled over only to see that...


End file.
